I've never cared about anyone this much before.
How the hell do people expect me to move on so easily after all of this shit. You can’t expect me to move on and be happy after what I did. It’s just not something you can think positively about. You can’t murder someone and tell yourself “Welp, it’s in the past all I can do is move on from here”.
I hurt somebody that loved me so deeply and cared about me tremendously. Nothing feels worse than hurting someone that you care about especially when you create a bond with someone that lasted over years and led to a relationship that was so sentimental that it practically united our lives into one. I hurt somebody that I loved and there’s no possible way for me to look on the bright side or think positively. I can’t not beat myself up about it, because not only did I lose a loved one, but I completely damaged her life as well. I’ll never get over this and I’ll always be depressed because I can never repair our relationship that meant so much to the both of us. I don’t deserve any comfort, and I don’t deserve her, so I just want to be alone and live the rest of my life in this city in solitude and regret.
Things don’t happen for a reason. Things happen because of free will and unfortunate chance. There’s no reason for infant mutilation, child molestation, poverty, or cancer. Stop telling me that this happened for a reason. I’m just a worthless sack of shit who made the wrong decision, and I’m always going to associate myself with that title.
I’m so sorry, and I love you, but none of that matters to you anymore and I just want to be alone. I don’t like to think about this, and I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’ll never get over this.
Happy nothing. Let’s go to Hua Tai and then maybe downtown. Wasn’t the artwalk so much fun yesterday? We should see what movies they’re showing at the movie theater. When we’re done there we could go to my house and make some soup. Then go to your house and watch some old TV shows on Netflix. Sounds like a great day, and I’m so glad that it’s never going to happen again.
I’ve been very depressed about many things recently, but this is by far the hardest thing for me to cope with. My depression is always thickening and the only thing I’m able to do is bottle it up or push it to the side. I haven’t been happy in almost a year and I’m always filled with disappointment and regret. This year has been so stressful and I’ve broken down far too many times just to go throughout life and pretend like everything is fine in the presence of others.
I don’t even know what I want to do with my near future. My only aspiration left in life is to travel the world - even if I’m alone.
Right now before I woke up, we went on a cruise together. Except it wasn’t a normal cruise, because the ship’s entirety was made up of some sort of super mall. There were many stairs and escalators as well as stores and people. Kind of like the mall we went to together in D.C. but with much more open space to roam around. As weird as it sounds, we decided to skate together throughout the mall. I was on roller-blades, and you were on roller skates. The roller skates you decided to use were absolutely horrific as the style and color of the skates were mix matched and imbalanced; I knew you wouldn’t have picked such a fashion disaster/social suicide in real life. When I said it would be something very foreign to you, you said that you were willing to try it since it would be something exciting and new. You were always up to trying new things for me. Of course it took you a little while to get used to having wheels on your feet, but I’d take your hand to help you balance yourself as you did that cute little scream you made when you were nervous or scared. We eventually held hands and skated through the wider spaces of the mall. People would look at us and take pictures, and the experience we had casually strolling at a smooth pace together felt wondrous. When we were finished skating, you sat down on a bench and I knelt down to help you remove your skates. I looked up at you, and you gave me the same smile. Then I woke up.
Last night we went to a couple’s house and we had to babysit their kids for them. Eventually we were spooning on the black couches in the living room - I was in front of you and you were behind me. I ended up falling asleep, so you had to watch the kids by yourself. When I woke up I turned around to look at you, and although you were upset with me, you still managed to give me that smile. You gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me “it is not okay” in that cute Marzia voice that we would always use around each other. Then we continued to watch the kids together.
As ridiculous and cliché as it sounds, I’ve been having dreams about us for the past two weeks.We’re always doing something new, and the mood is fun and exciting as if nothing ever came between us. From the dreams I can remember: Last week we were at your house watching movies with your family, last night we were at some kind of super market and movie theater, and today during my nap, we were adopting a puppy or playing with puppies at an adoption center. The experiences felt so calm and natural like a regular occurrence, and in every dream, there’s a brief moment were you look directly at me and make that cute one of a kind smile that I always associated with the :3 face. I just wish that this reality was a bad dream and that my dreams were the reality.
bones sinking like stones
all that we’ve fought for
homes places we’ve grown
all of us are done for
we live in a beautiful world